Many times in session I find myself talking to clients about the concept of acceptance. I often hear “I accept this happened… But it just makes me so mad!” Or “I accept them as they are… But I need them to understand they are wrong!” The word acceptance is used often, however it is not readily understood. One issue could be the very definition of the word. If you google the word acceptance, the first definition provided begins with “the action of consenting”. Who wants to consent to behaviors that they believe is wrong or even worse, harmful. Many parents will tell me “how can I accept that my child is self harming? Won’t that just make them believe that I think it’s ok?” It’s a valid concern especially since the definition of the word contains the word consent! In Dialectical Behavior Therapy we define acceptance as seeing things just as they are. This is not the same as consenting to dysfunctional or ineffective behavior of others or ourselves.
When talking to clients about this, I like to use the visual of someone standing at the edge of a cliff seemingly about to fall backwards. They are flapping their hands vigorously and becoming exhausted just trying not to fall. At some point they become too tired, are not helping themselves, and resign to the fact that they must in fact fall. When they do, it turns out the “cliff” was only two feet deep and they are able to stand up and dust themselves off. Only when we accept something as is, we can clearly see how to conquer it.
We must accept something as happening, whether we consent to it or not. Using the example of self-harm, when a parent accepts that their child is struggling and in pain it is then that they can learn to validate that pain and help with problem solving. Many times we say things like “this shouldn’t be” or “I have to do something about this”. Acceptance is in fact an intervention. Seeing something for what it is becomes an active process that allows the brain to shift and not be ruled by emotion. It allows the brain to access what we call “wise mind”.
Acceptance does not simply mean giving up. In other words it does not mean that once you have accepted something you are finished with the problem or issue at hand. The purpose of acceptance is that it allows you to take a step a back and internalize what is happening. After you are able to look at the problem without resisting or fighting it, you gain a clearer picture of what is really going on.
Accepting something also allows us to release the reign we have, it asks that we let go of our tight grip and instead realize that we cannot move forward without embracing the existence of what is bothering us. To go back to the example of a child who self harms, once a parent accepts the fact that their child is self harming, they can begin to see things from a new perspective. When judgement and anger is released in the process of acceptance new ways to help the child arise, ways that aid in a patient caring and non judgmental manner.
Acceptance is the first step in a two step process of clarity and healing. It encourages a new perspective which also brings about healthier, and better ways to problem solve. So the next time you are tasked with a difficult situation that seems hopeless and desperately want to change the outcome or the present, learn to accept that the thing you fear is here, it is present. And once you acknowledge its existence and stop resisting fighting it, you will gain clarity on the situation which in turn promotes healing, and closure.
Acceptance is empowering. It makes clear your ability to handle and overcome difficulty in a manner that is healing and healthy.
Lake Grove Behavioral Health 
Leave a comment